Trash talk Part 1

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Nevermind the bollocks, here's QMx

It's that time of year again. Silly season has begun in earnest, business has slumped, anyone who is anyone has fucked off to the nearest beach to get blind drunk on drinks with paper umbrellas in them, QMx dusts off the bullshit maker for ComicCon and the feeling of deja vu is so pervasive, I might choose last week's lottery numbers in the hope they come up again this week.

I may jest, but I swear that QMx actually does have a massive bullshit machine in their office, like a grotesque ice cream maker that churns out whipped cones of steaming cow turds for the gullible retards that actually believe what they are being fed is chocolate flavoured dairy dessert when in actual fact it's another type of bovine derived product entirely.

Let's remind ourselves of what was announced last year, shall we?:

http://io9.com/5591946/sonic-screwdrivers-star-trek-posters-firefly-statues--a-mountain-of-awesome-new-collectibles

'Their' Tennant sonic never made it to market and has been quietly swept under the carpet. Instead, what we get this year is something even more interesting:

http://io9.com/5822765/the-most-accurate-sonic-screwdriver-models-ever-created

They look good don't they? But then again, they should. They are perfect for a very good reason. What we apparently have here are claimed 'prototypes' of QMx's sonic replicas, made by the production propmaker Nick Robatto. That's all well and good. But reading between the lines, what is omitted is often more telling than what is actually said (which in this instance is, to be honest, "not a lot"). The weakminded sycophantic portion of fans will jump all over this, panhandled like a pubescent virgin doped up to the gills on Viagra, and think "Yay!, we're going to be getting replicas made by the actual propmaker himself".

Bullshit!

That's the fantasy, here's the reality:

What you are seeing are not QMx's prototypes of these sonics, but QMx's reference material that they intend to use to make their replicas.

Yes, QMx have neither designed or blueprinted for these pieces. They don't even have anyone lined up to  make them. These are in no way representative of the final product. In order to stall and keep the licence for another year, QMx commissioned Robatto to make exact replicas of the props since they couldn't get hold of the actual filming props, this is a solution that allowed them to obtain, measure and keep master reference pieces. By doing this, they show the BBC that they are actually doing something with the licence instead of sitting around with their dicks in their hands and it allows them to keep a certain sizeable chunk of the fanbase fluffed for a while longer.

But, you know what? They have the same reference material that I've got. The only difference (and it's not much of a difference) is that my reference is from screen used pieces but nonetheless, they are also Robatto made. I'm not going to go into the details of this but some of my readers already know I'm not bullshitting.

Put into context, what does this QMx 'announcment' actually mean? Very little. It just means they have bought screen accurate reference pieces. I could release pics of the screen used pieces I referenced and said "hey guys, look at my prototypes!" but that would be misleading, unethical and patently untrue. When I release pics of my prototypes, they will be designed and made by me. Unless every single one of QMx's replicas are made by Nick Robatto, they really should shut the fuck up, be honest and let their product do the talking. Underpromise and over deliver is a mantra I live by and if the fatties that run QMx would get their maws out of their cheeseburgers long enough to listen, they would also heed this mantra too.

Personally, I guarantee that the QMx replicas will never happen. I know the 11th doctor sonic back to front now, every nuance, quirk and idiosyncrasy. It is a massively difficult piece to engineer and build and I've been working on it for nearly a year. QMx cannot do this and the other pieces anytime soon especially if they are starting from effectively now. With the prices in China and around the world shooting skyhigh, the chances of this being made affordably by QMx is virtually zilch. You'd getter better odds on finding Dee Dee Ramone alive and well on the moon blowing Michael Jackson.

The way they have just wheeled these out, claiming between the lines, that these are what will be made is irresponsible and dare I say it, fraudulent in the extreme. At least MFX had the balls to show a prototype that they engineered themselves. It's not a complete disaster though. If the replicas don't happen, they could always release nice posters of the 'prototypes', right?

Edit: This just in from Kursosawa:

http://www.therpf.com/f9/qmx-sonic-screwdriver-thread-92189/index12.html#post1777555

"Howdy yall. first and foremost, the sonics Rubbertoe has on display at SDCC are amazing. He actually let me handle the 11th Doctor's screwdriver and the Master's Laser Screwdriver. *squeeee*. One interesting thing i noticed: The green sections on the 11th screwdriver are made of green resin with white marbling.

As far as any info on release dates and price, no one was able to give anything substantial at the QMX booth. Though they did have a farnsworths for sale at the booth with light and sound for 400 and teslas as well for 1000+ I forget the actual number. Ill post more tonight on my blog with pictures and such with more coverage."

 

I've underlined the bit that proves what I've said above. Now that came as a bit of a surprise, didn't it? (Sarcasm intended). That's because no one at QMx has a fucking clue what they are doing. I am now going to sit back in my chair, adopt a smug self satisfied expression secure in the fact that QMx really are the amateurs I suspected them to be. I wonder how long it will be before the go the way of MFX Replicas? I give it a year, tops, before someone calls time. Mark my words....

Another Edit:  An 'official' response from the salad dodger who is now the appointed mouthpiece for QMx that pretty much confirms my thoughts written above. Jeez, I hate being right sometimes: (My rejoinder in red)

http://www.therpf.com/f9/qmx-sonic-screwdriver-thread-92189/index12.html#post1778667

"Hey, just wanted to drop in and comment on one thing here.

The 10th Doctor and 11th Doctor Sonics are both at SDCC as well as the River Song and Master's laser. The sonics on display are the prototypes for the QMx Artisan line. Nick made the prototypes for us, so the next step will be getting the crew and materials to start working off Nick's prototype.

It's not a prototype. Don't call it a 'prototype'. It's your master reference piece, pure and simple. Ok, maybe it absolute terms a prototype is just tha,t but pretending it's anything but a reference piece made by someone who WILL NOT be making your final product is utter bullshit and pure lies especially if you are touting these as being representative of your final product. It's not. It would be nice to say 'these are what we aspire it' but you're not doing that are you? You are building an expectation that can never be fulfilled. This is the problem MFx had. Nick Robatto made your reference pieces just so you would have something to show at Comic Con. That's all you have. You have no blueprints, no 3D models or even anyone to make them. You have done nothing. You haven't even started yet for fuck's sake!

As for the previous Ten sonic -- well, we now have a prototype built by the man who made the prop. We're gonna work off that one instead, y'know?

Er...right. Very eloquently put. You figured out what was wrong with the previous one, did you? Lol.

I'm not saying they'll be made next month, but the QMx "vaporware" concern is part of a past that doesn't really include any of the current folks at QMx. The Farnsworths and Tesla's are both here and on sale. As are a number of newly designed statues and maquettes. The Enterprise Refit and the 2009 Enterprise are both here as well. And we'll have ordering details for those very soon.

How about being honest and saying that you have no clue if and when they will ever be done? Farnsworths and Tesla's are great albeit much much simpler that a sonic.  Even the more complex piece, the Tesla gun is no where near as complex as a hand made 11th sonic with nearly 50 components and look at the price of that. You have no machinists, production facilities or design capability: just a bunch of people you hire on a per job basis to be paid peanuts. I guarantee that no one will go near the sonics for less than £1000 per unit, COST. Trust me, I already did my research

So, I know the past hasn't boded well. But we're definitely looking forward and the sonics are further along than they've ever been ;-)

 

Sure, at least now you have some decent reference material, the exact same stuff I have had for months now. Well done. But you're still a long way from where you need to be. I would equate it to aspiring to flying to the moon when you've barely learned to walk upright. Still, you're definitely further along than you've ever been. Last year you were still swimming in the primeval soup."

 

Nazis. I hate these guys...

Just a quick interlude before I post my thoughts on the QMx sonic 'prototypes' being shown off at ComicCon I thought I would share another hilarious online posting from our favourite idiot Daniel 'Risu' Pawlik. I just don't know if this guy is deliberately being funny or not. He's car-crash entertainment of the David Brent variety. Anyway, he wrote here:

http://www.therpf.com/f9/qmx-sonic-screwdriver-thread-92189/index12.html#post1776398

"When I first got into this hobby, the people who were perfectionists and demanded 100% accuracy were referred to as SA Nazis. The qualifier being that they wanted their stuff to look exactly like what was seen on screen. Now we have a whole new breed of Nazis."

I can understand this sentiment wholeheartedly but Danny-boy, you have to take a certain degree of personal responsibility for this situation. I have often felt the overwhelming urge to put you in an oven myself so you really have only yourself to blame.

Say hello to my little friends

It's official. As of 9.00am yesterday morning I have become a fully paid up purveyor of crack. Before the more delicate of sensibility amongst you start tut-tutting away at CT's apparent deviant diversification into the world of illegal recreational stimulants, I should quickly stress that the crack I am refering to is totally legal but like its illicit namesake, it is no less debilitating on body and soul.

As regular followers of my rather rambling and often disjointed belles-lettres here in cyberspace will know, I have had a bit of a Elmer Fudd/Bugs Bunny saga the past 6 months. The object of my pursuits has been the industrial crackle that I announced last October. Since that moment it has been, to be frank, a fucking millstone around my neck. The sheer number of occasions I have regretted this utterly moronic decision on my part in the past six months has swelled the family swear box and spurred in me a renewed resolve for keeping my big mouth shut in future. The reason for this new found emnity towards a paint coating is that this has not been the simplest of things to development and even less simple to apply. If you've followed my updates, you will have seen the buckets of failures, the pics of me at stupid-o'-clock in a freezing paint shop in the depths of winter spraying these fucking things, continually cursing-to-damnation the sheer futility of trying to standardise a bastard 10 layer/20 process paint coating all in the name of bloody-minded oneupsmanship. However, like with all endeavours where impossibility sneers at you from the other side of the abyss, sheer stubborness, luck and a bit of lateral thinking eventually paid dividends and the result is this....

Pretty lovely looking aren't they? These are pretty much as good as they will get. The paint coating is as hard as nails. It's a totally custom paint, developed by me and a coatings chemist which replicates the hardness and durability of real ceramic. It is also the true colour of the prop for most of its life. Forget the whole 'Heritage Gold'/'Colony Cream' debate from last year when I spanked Neill Gorton's botty and sent him running back to Auntie (who promptly took away his licence), the props were (with the exception of the Aztec which really, genuinely and unequivocably was 'Colony Cream') this shade of 'just off' white with any change in colour caused by a mixture of dirt and yellowing of the clearcoat.

Just how tough is this bastard? Here's what I had to do to even chip it:

That small amount of damage was made using a chisel. That's how tough this stuff is. Now I do not advise you to go around smacking your spanking new limited edition sonics with a chisel. Well, you can as it's your's, but don't come bawling to me as I will laugh at you. You'll just have to take my word for it.

So, how do you get your mitts on one of these beauties? Go to my webstore and fill your boots. But get a shift on. I am only making 20 of each model and most have been pre-sold last year. As of the time of writing, the Tennant ones are practically gone with only a handful left but a larger number of Eccleston versions are still kicking around (where's the love for Eccles????).

Thank you to those that pre-ordered last year, you'll be getting your's shortly in the post.

I am assembling them this week and they will be going out this weekend in the order they were ordered. I can only assemble and test 3-4 per day so please be patient, you'll get them and they will be glorious.

In the meantime, here's some extra pics that didn't make the site.

Think about the future

Remember in Batman when The Joker tells Eckhart "Think about the future". Lately I've had quite a few people asking me about this very same thing. In a manner of speaking.

I've been obliquely evasive in my replies and there has been a perfectly good reason for that. You see, the future [sonic] figures quite prominently in the future of The Celestial Toystore. For the past year or so, I've been gathering data and reference material about this sonic and I've been secretly working on it as it's not an easy one to tackle. Before I commit to a project I want to make pretty damned sure I can replicate the original faithfully and without compromise. Lately the final pieces of the jigsaw have fallen into place and I've sourced the last few missing components, some of which I've been teasing you with on Twitter. Now, I'm ready to reveal the mother of all teasers: the picture above, which is a resin version of my prototype. I'm not ready to reveal that just yet, but suffice to say, I think I've done a fairly good job in replicating the original prop. It's accurate to a certain point and I've still got some alterations to make to the prototype but so far I'm happy with it. If there is anything glaringly wrong, I'd love to hear about it.

Enjoy!

Plastikote Revisited

This evening I was going through my backups and found a cache of images that one of my customers, AJ, sent me a while ago. Amongst them was this image:

This is an image that some of you will know quite well as it's the concept art for the burnt sonic from back in 2006 and was posted on the BBC site.

So what? I hear you all ask. Usually concept art holds no real interest for me except as a passing curiosity that shows what a prop was originally envisioned to look like.

However, closer inspection reveals something quite extraordinary. Far from being a Photoshop generated piece, this is actual fact a photograph of the Aztec sonic that McKinstry has painted over. In particular, the body has been altered very minimally and shows the precise paint finish of the Aztec sonic and the fact that far from being a resin construct as previously thought, it was tooled from metal.

Let's take a look at the full resolution:

Notice the paint. It's Plastikote Colony Cream!

On that bombshell I'll say goodnight.

Goodnight!

Epic Fail

Last year I had dinner in a lovely little Greek restaurant called Elia not far from here in Shanghai. It was a memorable repast, resplendent in the authentic flavours of the mediterranean, a little slice of Greece slap bang in the middle of the Orient. Having gorged on dolmades, marinated lamb chargrilled to perfection, kofte and the best moussaka this side of Athens, my companions and I were presented with a complimentary selection of sweetmeats to round off our meal. Amongst them was some rather delightful chunks of Turkish delight, that reknowned and rather delicious gelatinous confection flavoured with rosewater. I voiced my appreciation of this: "Ahhhhh.....Turkish delight, wonderful!" Popping a sweet, lightly dusted cube into my mouth and allowing the wonderful aromas of rose and spice infuse my senses foxtrotting with the texture of the pistachio nut liberally sprinkled throughout. No sooner than the first morsel been savoured than my Bacchanalian reverie was interrupted by a sharp cuff across the back of my head from Christos, the owner of the establishment, who rather pointedly corrected me on my terminology. "It's not Turkish delight, it's a Greek delight!" he proudly proclaimed, looking at me with a mixture of disgust and astonishment that I could get something so elementary, so very, very wrong.

Which brings me onto the current subject of this blog. You see, just like Christos gave me a smack, I would rather like to do the same to Daniel 'Risu' Pawlik. The reason for this will be apparent.

Ever since David Tennant was unveiled to the world as our favourite Timelord, the cosplay brigade have been searching for their holy Grail: a screen accurate version of Tennant's costume. The search for this has been of varying levels of success none more so than in trying to track down the fabrics used for Tennant's suits. It was thought that the professional wanker Steven 'Pumpkiny' Ricks, has come closest and even managed to track down a pair of the near mythical Gap trouser from whence the brown Tennant suit was fabricated. He even managed to find the undyed fabric used for the blue suit. From these, Daniel 'Risu' Pawlik and that hack Tony 'Indy' Magnoli have rewoven the fabrics to feed the insatiable appetites of the cosplay crowd.

So what's the problem? Well, for a long time I've questioned Risu's ability to use his eyes and I still maintain that I think he's secretly blind, rather like Richard Pryor's character in Hear no Evil, See No Evil, who is in constant denial and likes to give the impression that his eyeballs are fully functional when in reality he's got all the visual acuity of a FIFA referee. From having a suspicion, I have recently come to the conclusion that his optic nerves really are as useful as Gary Moore's guitar.

The reason I say this is that even with all the reference material in the world, samples of the fabric and the guidance of legions of cosplayers, he has still managed to totally fuck it up. A while ago, I gave the analogy of missing an elephant at point blank with a cannon. This is what is like. Have a look at what I mean:

Here's the blue fabric:

Ok, weight is correct, weave is correct. But the finish, the stripe spacing and most importantly, the colour is totally off. The stripe spacing matches the original undyed fabric but when dyeing, the fabric shrinks, giving a narrower stripe spacing. This can be seen on the original fabric below, which incidentally, is substantially darker than Risu's recreation.

Which brings me onto the brown Gap fabric:

Again, weave and weight are correct. Colour is slightly off, but the difference is minimal. However, look at the stripes. Know what I mean?

It really irks me when twats like Risu continually make statements like 'this is 100% screen accurate' when it patently isn't.  What is worse is when they have every opportunity to make it screen accurate yet through incompetence or just sheer laziness, they fuck it up royally as in this situation.

I swore I would never use this phrase but more than anything it sums up the sheer magnitude of this cock-up better than any colourful idiom I can come up with, and that's:

EPIC FAIL

As an addendum, I have been asked why the original fabric has a sheen on it that the reweave doesn't. The answer is NOT, as that talentless tool Steven Ricks thinks, down to the dyeing. It's actually because the yarn used on the original fabric is a mercerized long staple cotton.